Domestic Violence Awareness Month
This story was provided to us by a community member sharing her story to help others by raising awareness and providing action steps. A note before you read this month’s blog: These are real stories from survivors in our community, and they describe domestic violence, sexual abuse, and child abuse. Please take care of yourself as you read.
If You or Someone You Know Needs Support
These lines are for anyone in crisis and those worried about a friend or loved one. All are free and available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week:
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988
- NH Rapid Response Access Point: call or text 1-833-710-6477, or chat at nh988.com
- Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
- Visit CSCNH.org to be connected to an advocate
One of the most asked questions I get asked is, “Why did you stay?”
Not only does that question not help, but it also goes so much deeper. The more you learn about domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking- the more you realize how diverse it is.
My name is Crystal, and I am sharing my story because I want people to know that you can make it through.
It is possible. Even when it feels unreachable.
My grandmother was abused by my grandfather, and my mom was a child of that. That turned into my mother being abused by her parents, and even her brothers. Throughout my life, I have seen my siblings, my aunts, and uncles’ abusive relationships. Generation after generation.
My Mom tried to leave my dad while he was at work. He showed up early and caught us packing. He did severe damage to my sibling’s vehicle while she was sitting inside of it. Done out of anger because she was there to get us out. He would threaten the life of my mother vocally and tell us his plans on how he would successfully take her life and get away with it. I have witnessed him physically hurt her numerous times and in many ways. My mother stayed until he left us.
When he left us, she started taking her pain out on her children. She would physically abuse both my sister and me. The greatest pain that took me so long to recover from was her words. She ruined my self-worth and image due to her comments on my physical appearance and comparing me to my father, whom she knowingly hated. She finally stopped hitting me when I caught her fist mid-swing. But then it moved onto objects. I ran away at fifteen to get away from the abuse.
This is, from what I know, the start of my Generational Curse.
I know it doesn’t feel obvious when you’re in the moment. When you are told you are the issue, and they use intimate reasons based on their knowledge of your past, you really start to believe you deserve it, and it is your own fault.
Every relationship had made me feel like I was worth so little; I believed it. How does anyone know what love and being loved is supposed to look like? Do you look at your parents and think, that’s it, true love? Or do you look at them and say, well, I know that’s not it?
Love is hard work, so you must put up with hard stuff, right?
My younger self said I would NEVER allow a man to abuse me. Never say never. There he was, after the loss of my mother… he brought feelings back to me. He made me feel important, like I was saving him. He even warned me he was violent. Imagine that? He told me he hated himself for it and never wanted to show me that side of him. Emotionally, he was already shaping me from the beginning. I was told no one would love me like he does, that I was too emotional or needed too much reassurance. He increasingly started to get more violent; he would physically harm me, threaten me with weapons and intimidate me, and drove me off the road.
Neighbors would call for wellness checks on me; he would put on his mask and always knew just what to say to the police to make him look good.
One day, my son came to me and asked me why I am with someone who is mean to me and doesn’t care about my safety. That’s when I knew I needed to get out. I didn’t know how I got so deeply into it or how I allowed myself to stay. That’s when I went to The Center for Safer Communities.
They listened and reassured me that it was not my fault, that it was the vicious cycle of abuse.
They opened my eyes to what abuse looks like, even when I thought I knew. Being in the center of that cycle is so blinding. I was pregnant, homeless, and alone with my other child to take care of. They offered me shelter, a safe place to stay with my children. I turned it down because I felt like I wasn’t rightfully entitled to that. He had control over the bank account and completely drained the account. They gave me a gas card and a card for food. He had control over my phone and shut it off; they got me a phone and activated it. They helped me fill out applications to state assistance and apartments. I was approved for an apartment, and they assisted me with first month’s rent and a sliding payment plan so that I could gradually work myself up to being able to pay the rent in full by myself. They helped me understand domestic violence protection orders and how to put my abuse into words, since my mind felt so scrambled. An advocate was with me during the hearing, and I was so scared because he had an attorney and I didn’t. The protection order was granted. They changed the way I viewed my life. In the best way. I gained so much strength and independence. Then, I got a sob story of wanting to be a family and do better for my family. That is something I have always cared deeply about.
Yet again, abuse started, but this time I saw it.
I stood in my own place, and I told him to leave. It wasn’t as life-shattering as it was the first time. However, I was left with no help with the children and constantly worried about him showing up. He did, and he damaged a vehicle I was in.
I went back to Safer Communities, so ashamed of myself and worried I would be judged. But that’s not what happened. They welcomed me and explained to me that it is a normal part of the process.
It typically takes around seven times to officially leave.
They gave me guidance and told me more ways that they can help support me staying away and being independent. I started college, they helped me with a computer. They put my children and me down for Christmas gifts, which was so amazing because I was struggling with getting back out of the financial hole he put me in again. They helped me open a bank account in my own name that I still have to this day. They pointed me in directions for clothing and materials that could and did help us get through the winter.
When I say they changed my life, I mean it.
I’m stronger, and I believe in myself. I found that I am worth more. I wish I could express my gratitude in words to match the way I feel. They helped me break my generational curse and guided me to find myself again.
I am still taking steps in my healing journey, and the most recent is that I have proudly been adopted.
I am a product of abuse. I am a survivor.
I am Crystal Ouellette, a Direct Service Advocate for the place that helped me, in a position
I only dreamed about being in.
I came full circle, and now I can help people like me every day.
Sometimes you just need some help, and that is okay.
If Crystal’s story feels familiar… you should know:
- Abuse is about power and control. It is never your fault. It shows up as physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and financial harm, and as neglect. It is not only bruises.
- Trust the flicker of recognition. If a list of warning signs sounds like your life, that matters, even if you have never once called it abuse.
- Leaving is a process, not a single moment. It often takes several attempts, and going back is a normal part of that process, not a failure. You will not be judged for it.
- You do not have to have it figured out to reach out. One call to an advocate can be the beginning. Services are free and confidential, and advocates help with safety planning so you don’t have to navigate the hardest part alone.
If you want to support someone you love:
- Say, “I believe you.” Ask, “How can I support you?”
- Know that an abuser can look charming to everyone else. Doubting a survivor because the person seems so nice only deepens the harm.
- Share resources quietly, without pressure, and let the person move at their own pace.
- Keep showing up. Isolation is part of how abuse holds on, and steady, nonjudgmental connection is its opposite.
From The Center for Safe Communities:
If you or someone you know has experienced domestic or sexual violence, stalking, sex trafficking, or related abuse, you are not alone. We are here for you. Call 1-888-511-6287 to connect with an advocate or visit cscnh.org for more information.
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